Diary 8

Just last week, I remembered that I've been a part of pretty much all types of social media which led me to this blog. It's been exactly 1 year since my last post on here and it's been quite a drastic change within that year.

Since then I have been enrolled back in school into a program that I feel is right for me, a career that I know I can be good at, a right fit. It happened so fast, I applied mid last year and I didn't think that I would be accepted because I applied so late and 90% of the class had already been filled. I had plans to travel if I didn't get in, but I did. I resigned my jobs and started a new journey. In a blink of an eye, a really hard-working blink, I'm in the midst of 2nd term. This is one of the hardest and challenging things I've ever done in my life but I once I graduate, I will be able to say, it was my biggest accomplishment. Sometimes, I think how fast it all happened and how I was thrown back into school and get into the groove of things again.

My program only has 25 people that is accepted each year based on thousands of applications, not that I was astonished that I got in, but I really thought I was too late in applying. That one phone call changed he course of my path. My class reminds me of my high school experience again, taking each class with my same set of classmates, we really end up getting to know each other well. This time around, all of our classes are intertwined with each other, I had prepared myself that I had to take 7 classes. Luckily, one of my past friends from post secondary also got accepted into the same school but in a different program, but we had all of our classes together as 1st term was standard classes. I felt a little bit more at ease knowing that we would be going through this experience together again and could motivate each other. This time we had a lot of group projects and presentations. I dread public speaking because I get really nervous and anxious and I knew that one of our classes, we had to present a 4 minute presentation. That was another accomplishment for me, getting up in front of the class in formal attire and talking. I was so glad it was over and I felt really good knowing that I did it! I also got a really good mark too!

Final week was another challenging aspect, having 5 finals everyday was insane but it was another accomplishment. Aside from that, having 2 weekly quizzes and weekly homework to be completed every week was also hard work.

Winter break was so nice although it went by pretty fast and now, I'm back into the swing of things, head first, with 3 weekly quizzes. But now knowing what it's like and what to expect, I'm a little bit more calm, until midterms, which I have my first one this Friday :(

The one thing that makes me feel good is knowing that only our class knows what it's like and we are in it all together. I'm not just alone, everyone else can relate to me and we will complain together, through the bad and the good!

Diary 7

I believe in overcoming obstacles when you are faced with one cuz for me quitting is not the way out. When you have accomplished the problem, it's the greatest feeling in the world knowing that you have achieved something; a great sense of pride and showing others that you CAN. I was having some work obstacles and through hard work and a drive to improve and find a resolution I have completed that goal. It's still an ongoing process to always improve and do what I'm doing now but it feels so good knowing that I reached a goal.

This is where a crossroads comes in. I know I can do better at this job and show everyone that I've come a long way and this is my full potential, but that comes with time. I already got the validation from my bosses that I'm doing great and I just have to continue and keep on improving. At the same time after my evaluation, they gave me a little bonus to reward my efforts, which made me feel good cuz I have really been working and busting my ass off.

However, it's still a part time job and my parents have been on my case about finding a respectable full time job. By respectable I mean good paying career, not just a job where you only need a high school diploma. The thing is, I don't know if I'm ready to start a full time job cuz then I'd really put my heart and soul into that career job and it means I'd be 100% doing it. I'm not sure what I would like to do in the future which is why I'm hesitant on diving into a full time job. Is that weird? I'm not sure why I'm thinking this way but I just feel if I quit my job now, then I am absolutely dedicated to my full time job.

I'm not sure what to do cuz I still want that full validation from my current bosses and to show them that I can excel and my current job which doesn't make me want to quit, cuz I'm not fully at that place yet. It's also to show myself that I can do it. On the other hand, not working a full time job is really a concern for my parents cuz they think I'm not going anywhere with my life, just wasting time, just drifting but they don't get that it's more of a self pride thing rather than a financial situation. I'm not making great money at this place but my sense of worth and respect is the focus. This is where I'm torn, cuz I feel like they are right in some sense, but for me as of right now, I'm focusing all my energy to do the best at this job and to show my coworkers and bosses that I can reach that end goal. At the same time, I'm afraid to quit and dive into a full time position due to not knowing that I want to do and therefore having a fear of not wanting to invest my whole self into it. I know that I can always change my career but I think I'm just afraid of it all...the future.

My parents suggest I either continue with more education or find a good paying full time job. And they aren't making it easy. I hear this from them all the time. My mom has even gone out to say that I should find a full time job in the next month otherwise I need to move out. Am I really being lazy by not being productive and taking action for the future and wasting time trying to figure it all out? Or is this just another voice of an concerned parent?

Dear future: can you tell me what's the right thing to do?

Diary 6

I must be wishing on someone else's star, cause it seems that someone else is always getting what I wished for.  -Unknown

Story of my life.

Diary 5

Last week, something happened to me that I have to share with you all. This happened to me at work while I was interacting with a client. It all started a few weeks back when I noticed a client would look at me but stare longer than the usual 1 second eye contact, it was more like 3 seconds. Think about it, staring at someone for this amount of time is actually very long which made me really uncomfortable cuz I was only about a metre away from him. Then as he left he closed the door after him but turned around as he did this to make eye contact with me again.

Then last week, I was speaking to him and he said he wanted to know what days I worked so he would come in then. When it comes to uncomfortable situations like this, the only thing I can do is laugh and shrug it off cuz that's how I am. He then cockily asked, "so when are we going to go for coffee?" This took me by surprise and I laughed and responded, "you have a girlfriend!” I know this cuz they would come in together. "Actually, I'm married." All I can think was are you serious? Not only did he have a wife, but he had the audacity to tell me and correct me about it! This made me angry cuz I do not stand for cheating, even though nothing happened. He definitely had the intention to ask me out. As he walked out, he said, "so coffee?" and I responded by shaking my head at him. "It's just coffee," he said casually. This made me so angry, really just coffee? Cuz that's all you have in mind. Well if that's the case, why don't you ask every Tom, Dick, and Harry out for coffee then? Cuz it ain't just coffee! Don't make that lame ass excuse! "Don't tell anyone," he said as he put his fingers to his lips indicating the shhh motion. Well guess what, the second after he left, I told a coworker.

This is something that I just couldn't keep to myself. How absurd, once this guy comes in on his own without his wife, he decides to make a move. I was thinking, I should call his wife and let him know what kind of guy she's married to and let her know what really happened when she wasn't there. This also led me thinking, what else does he do when she's not around.

I hate cheating, the thought of it and everything about it! No tolerance. There's no reason to cheat, break up with someone so you don't have to cheat. People that cheat just want their cake and eat it too, well guess what, you are an ass if you go ahead with it. And being the "other woman" and getting hit on is really offensive and I won't put up with that shit. Do you really think I'm gonna get "coffee" with you and think that you don't have any other intentions. How stupid and naive do you think I am?

Needless to say, I felt very awkward after when I saw him again. When I knew he was coming in, I would hide out in the back to make sure I didn't have to interact with him. Way to make everyone feel tense and uncomfortable ASSHOLE!

Moral of the story, please don't cheat or intend on it. It hurts the other person but really it will hurt you the most. It's not worth it. And you don't want to go to bed at night with that on your mind. The conscious is a bitch! Everyone needs a peace of mind.

Diary 4

I want a Cinderella Story, The Notebook Romance, A Walk To Remember true-to-death love. And to be completely honest, I want you and only you. I want to stop wishing for you at 11:11 because you’re already mine. I want to draw your name in hearts and not feel guilty. I want to stop sitting up at night praying to God to make you mine. I want to be with you, and only you. I want to text you day and night, I want to hug you and never let go, I want you to kiss me on the cheek, just to be spontaneous, I want to hold hands with you and show you off to the world. I want you, and only you.

Diary 3

You know when you pass a stranger on the street or see them on the bus or a skytrain and you think they are cute...do you ever wonder what they're thinking and if they are thinking the same thing about you? This happened to me today as I was coming home from a resume building workshop and I saw this cute mixed guy on the skytrain. Yup, he definitely was mixed, I can tell, it's my gift. He's one of those mixed guys that looks more Asian than White but has the biracial component to him. My first thought was, “this guy is hot!" Usually when I see a cute guy I get really nervous and self-aware and try to be as graceful as possible but I actually imagine myself as looking uptight. I fix my hair and try not to seem obvious that I'm attracted to this guy. I think it's a girl thing. I was sitting right in front of him so he was facing my profile while playing with his ipad and listening to music but would look outside the window a few times. All I could think was, I hope he talks to me. But that usually never happens. Anywho, in my head I wondered if he thought I was cute too. But I had to get off my stop so I didn't give it much time to play out. However, as I got up and walked away, I noticed from my peripheral vision that he watched me walk past the window so he was looking. If I had more guts, I would have made eye contact with him and gave him a flirty smile as I walked past. *Sigh. I also imagined that if this were a movie, he would have chased after me when I got off at my stop and asked me for my name and a date. But this is reality.

Diary 2

Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one ever in life that's not gonna find true love. I feel as though everywhere I look and everyone around me has found their special someone, someone that they care for, someone that makes them feel special, someone that makes them feel LOVED. I've pretty much gone my entire life without being in a serious relationship and it's something in my life that I seek. Friends tell me, it's okay, my time will come and that I'm young, but I'm not that young anymore. I'm out of my teens and into my early 20's. I've always had a problem with the word unrequited. It's always I like someone but they don't like me back or the other way around. Why can't things be mutual? I'm think I'm a nice girl with a good personality and especially a good heart. I can make people laugh and I love life, have fun, try new things and I don't think I'm butt ugly, although I have my days. I would say I'm attractive, not to sound vain or anything cuz I have lots of flaws and I'm not super gorgeous. However, I feel like guys that hit on me only want one thing. I'm not looking to just hook up with guys because trust me, I've had offers. I think that guys around this age, that's all they want to do is have fun and hook up. Me, I just want to find someone special, to be in a real, serious, committed relationship. Is that so much to ask? I think guys are afraid of commitment and the one's who are willing to commit, I don't like. My friends tell me I'm too picky and my standards are too high, but I don't and won't settle for anything less. I need to be attracted to the guy physically, to have sparks, and chemistry, I need to like his personality, especially a sense of humour. If either don't meet my expectations then I can't be anything more than friends. Basically, my non-existent love life and choosing my future career path is what I'm currently struggling with these days. Then there's the problem with the guy I do like, but I don't know if he feels the same way.